Life as an Interpreter – Funny quotes and awkward situations

Hearing stuff you don't want to hear - Kidman in the Interpreter © Universal Pictures

We all experience some awkwards moments in our life. In a past life as a French Chinese interpreter, I must say I encountered countless weird situations.

The Best Of…

• From a lot of people : “What do you do?” “I am a french/chinese interpreter ” “Waw! And, do you speak chinese?” I honestly don’t know how many times I had to answer that one.
• In France with a Chinese politic delegation – I was 23. The head of international relations of TV stations(probably thinking I was the hostess) “Can you go get the interpreter so we can get started?” “I am the interpreter”. The look on his face through the meeting was priceless.
• In Jinan, Shandong province, with French acupuncters in a Chinese hospital. “Can you ask him if he knows where is the Spleen Meridian?” I still don’t have the slightest idea what is a Spleen Meridian.
• From a town councillor during a cocktail in the honor of a Korean delegation  : “As you speak Chinese, you understand Korean too?” Minutes later, by the museum director. “As you speak Chinese, you understand Korean too?” I couldn’t resist “Yes naturally.Just like you : as a French, I assume you are fluent in Russian?”
• In a theatre full of people while interpreting for a famous film director, a skinny guy from Taiwan right after I spoke :”No he didn’t say that. He said…” Basically just repeating the same with an awful accent. Thanks man..In the same theatre, a young French art student (the type with big hair) : “I have 3 questions”. Each of them lasted 5 minutes.
• From another French interpreter : “I don’t know how to take it, but this lady just told me I look like a turtle. Do you think it’s some kind of compliment and a symbol of wiseness in China?” Surprised, I asked the Chinese lady “Why did you call her a turtle?” The Chinese lady (after much concentration) “I never called her a turtle. I called her a doll” The sound is not even close in Chinese…
• Right before a live TV set, the director checking me out : “So, you want to be in the back or on set?”  Me (obviously not thinking) “As you like as long but I don’t do simultaneous”  ”Ok. Go on set” Have you ever seen an interpreter on a TV set? Well I did it…
• From a French lady somewhere in the south of China :  “Can you ask where is the most remote village so we can go there and meet real peasants?”  As if the dudes we were seeing on the road weren’t real enough..Me (after carefully evaluating the situation) “Well there is one about 4 hrs walking but as it’s 11am and 40°C, I suggest we go to the nearest one. Only 1 hour walking through the mountain, okay?”
• From a politician : “Don’t translate what I’m going to say. You are beautiful”.
• From a Chinese business man during private oil negotiation where I was hired by the French side : “Don’t translate what I’m going to say. Do you want to work with us?” 
• “So you speak Asian now?”

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